Mushrooms and grief

After having to dispose of three monotubs of mycelium covered in black pin head mold, grief and mourning became a part of my process. While it was beautiful to see how far I had come, I was still sad. There was no other place for my sadness to go other than inside the planter where I placed all the attempts of a first grow. Out of all the research that I found on problematic molds, it was clear from the different sources that black pin head mold was a deal breaker to moving on with that grow. It couldn’t be removed and could be dangerous for immunocompromised folks and could cause respiratory issues.

I had to surrender my own hope to the grieving process.

There was something pivotal about having to surrender to something I could not control. Even more so about being able to grieve this process. It helped me meditate on the things that I cannot control and let them go. So the question eventually came, “what am I not letting go of?” “What am I attached to that I cannot let go but has been out of my control?” And it may sound incredible meta, but I hold onto, I am attached to, the idea of doing and being more.

The sedentary nature of mushrooms allows for groundedness, integrity, and positionality. But what does that mean in the context of my life where I push myself to do and be more? Meditation with mushrooms has led to me question whether or not I should do more. Sometimes, the most I can do is be perfectly still and be present with myself in the state I am in. Maybe that allows others to gravitate towards me but even that thought is about doing more than just existing.

Existing is power itself.

So if I do exist, then I inherently have power over some decisions or situations. The duality of existing and not existing means that there is a basic level in which I am powerful. I refound that power in starting over. Disposing of the infected mycelium, sanitizing the monotubs, cleaning out the Martha tent, and ordering more spores. I had control to start over even if it means the situations look similar. However, I knew I wasn’t the same. I had more and different knowledge than the first attempt at a grow. This time may be different or it may be the same, but I will listen to my mentors and the historical and intergenerational knowledge of spritual growth and mushroom cultivation.

With every step of the spores, I will learn to respect the knowledge I gain.